PPD: I Has It

"When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. You can use vitamins to help a woman through those things."  --Tom Cruise

Sometimes i just want to slap somebody. Today that somebody is Tom Cruise. I'm sure vitamins will work fine for some people, but they wouldn't have touched what i experienced. I should have known it would happen to me because of my past problems with panic attacks. Really, the amazing part is that i made it all the way through pregnancy without having any issues. I'm much, much, much better now but that first 2 weeks i was in a really bad place. I'm sorry to everyone who tried to call and i didn't answer or respond. I was severely sleep deprived and that made everything a hundred times worse, so i was literally attempting (and failing) to sleep all day every day. It was really scary for me, but i'm so happy to say that i have such awesome family and friends that helped me through it and still checked on me even when i didn't call them back. And the BEST husband that is truly an awesome father and has been so great with little Ryan. Thank you to everyone who brought me food, too. I seriously probably just wouldn't have eaten anything if we didn't have food in the house. Not to sound like a public service announcement, but Postpartum Depression is much more real and scary than i imagined. I'm glad i recognized it and got help and i just hope that others don't listen to stupid celebrities like Tom Cruise. Here is something i made when things were still pretty bad just to give you an idea of what it was like:

Could I be suffering from postpartum depression?

If your mood doesn't lift after two weeks, you may have postpartum depression (PPD). Up to 20 percent of new mothers experience clinical depression, which can surface any time within the first postpartum year.

Symptoms of PPD include:
• insomnia yes, and i dread night time. it really really annoys me because i always loved the fact that i could lay down and be asleep within 5 minutes, no problem. I have a whole new outlook on all those ambien prescriptions now....i never knew it could be like this

• weepiness or sadness not really, i feel more numb, i kinda wish i could cry, i think it might make me feel better

• diminished interest in once pleasurable activities yep, i don't enjoy my tivo or my iphone (and that's extremely major)

• difficulty concentrating yep, i constantly walk into a room and it takes 2-3 minutes to remember why i was going there

• change in appetite not eating, and absolutely nothing sounds appetizing, so i just force myself to eat because i know i need to (but at least my baby weight is coming off! I've lost ~23...Only 14 more to go) I used to enjoy food a LOT so this is new for me.

• anxiety yep

• moodiness and irritability uhh..i dunno, not that i've noticed?

• withdrawal from family and friends yep, i guess you've noticed i don't ever answer my phone and have no interest in talking to my friends (although that's getting better)

• excessive guilt yep, especially about breastfeeding

• panic attacks (symptoms include a racing heart, dizziness, confusion, and feelings of impending doom) most definitely, although it's getting a lot better i think

• suicidal, scary, or constant negative thoughts ummm....scary thoughts. Like: OMG, how am i going to be able to return to work like this? Will i end up in a mental hospital if i can't ever sleep? How can i care for my baby if i continue to be so exhausted? How can i do *anything* normal feeling like this? (This was written when i was a week into not sleeping. Severe sleep deprivation is an evil evil thing)

Your healthcare provider can best determine whether you have PPD, but you may spot some clues yourself. Experts say that if you can't sleep when your baby sleeps, no matter how hard you try or how tired you are, you may have PPD. This was definitely me, and sleep is still my main issue.

It's important to know the difference between normal postpartum emotional changes and ones that signal a need for further support. It's not just what you're feeling that indicates something may be amiss, but the frequency, intensity, and duration of those feelings. In other words, many new mothers feel sad and anxious periodically during the first few months after childbirth. But if you're crying all day for several days in a row or are having panic attacks, contact your doctor or midwife.

PPD can strike any woman, either immediately after the birth of her baby or many months later. Unfortunately, the medical community has a long history of misunderstanding and misdiagnosing PPD. Sometimes healthcare providers don't take a new mother's concerns seriously, brushing them off as hormonal shifts and part of adjusting to motherhood.

Our society also makes it difficult to admit to having negative feelings about motherhood or your baby. When mothers express feelings such as ambivalence, fear, or rage, they can frighten themselves and those close to them.