Thursday, October 28, 2010

Happy Halloween!

Mom got Ryan a Halloween outfit that Jake insisted he couldn't wear. So i, of course, dressed him up and took pictures! Here's my little sunflower. :)

Monday, October 25, 2010

Does Peanut Look Like Mommy?

Grandmom kept mentioning how much Ryan looks like me when i was a baby. I just thought she was exaggerating...until she brought an old photo album over. The resemblence is a little freaky! Plus i totally look like a boy in these pictures. What do you think?

The First Month: Survival

The first month was rougher than i was expecting, but it's been a learning process. Looking back now things have changed so dramatically in just that short amount of time. Here's how we survived...barely!

Birth-1 Week: It certainly didn't help that i started off with no sleep. Add to that being in a hospital with doctors and nurses poking and prodding every hour, a newborn trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, and the newness of it all...this whole week i didn't sleep more than 1-2 hours per day. By the weekend i was about to have a nervous breakdown i was so tired. But every time i tried to sleep i couldn't shut my brain off and would just lay in bed awake. On Saturday i called my doctor and started back on Zoloft. Breastfeeding was proving to be really hard on me but so far i had stuck with it. Sunday i called the doctor again, desperate for sleep, and she called me in an Ambien tablet. I took it...and it did absolutely nothing for me, i still didn't sleep. Having a newborn for the first time is an experience...a hard one! Trying to combine alllllll the information i had read plus all the advice i was getting plus my own instincts...I was pretty surprised how fast Jake and i picked up things, but it was still a difficult first week. Ryan only slept and ate, every 1-2 hours, with no notice of day and night and very little alert time.

Week 1-2: I called the doctor back and talked to the nurse for awhile. I tried Benadryl to help me sleep on Monday night, but it didn't help me sleep more than an hour or two. The nurse called in Restoril the next day. This time i took the medication, not expecting it to help as nothing else had, and got on the computer. Within 15 minutes i felt a little tipsy. By 30 minutes Jake had to help me get to the bed. At long last i slept...almost 5 hours! When i woke up the next day it was like a whole new world. I felt 100 times better. The rest of the week was off and on as far as sleeping. I finally fell asleep on my own the next night, but i was still having anxiety issues since the Zoloft hadn't fully kicked in yet. I averaged about 3-4 hours per night. I was finally able to enjoy visitors and the food they brought. The food was sooooo yummy once i got out of my funk. Ryan still slept a lot but was noticeably more alert when he was awake. We were told not to minimize lights or noise during the daytime so that he'd learn day was for awake and night was for sleeping. So we mistakenly tried to keep him awake for long stretches during the day. He got overtired, which probably explains why he was cranky and fussy. Oops. By the end of the week i was pumping but not breastfeeding, and we would supplement with formula when we ran out of breastmilk.

Week 2-3: Still no type of routine, but Ryan got his first shampoo! He did really well and didn't even cry. At his 2 week checkup everything looked great, but by the end of the week we had the scariest day when he had to go to the cardiologist and urgent care. Luckily that all turned out ok. At this point he had already been to various doctor visits about 6 times. I celebrated his good health by making him dress up in UGA gear the next day. The Dawgs won for the first time in weeks! Ryan was starting to look at us more and seemed to start recognizing our voices. Tummy time was a dislike...he lasted maybe 30 seconds. He was still eating every 2-3 hours. We saw the emergence of random smiles when he was sleeping. They were so cute! Jake and i had developed a semi-sleep routine. Jake stayed up 'til 4-6am while i attempted to get my 3 hours of sleep and then i took over and Jake slept on the couch until lunchtime. Jake wasn't sleeping terribly well due to all the sunlight and i didn't love being "trapped" in the bedroom half the day so that i didn't wake him up. Plus i was really, really hungry and the kitchen was in Jake's "bedroom". I finally went out to eat for the first time with Kristie for dinner. Getting out of the house for an hour was awesome. After the cardiologist we went to Cracker Barrel and took Ryan for his very first restaurant experience. He slept the whole time, but I was stressed the entire trip because if you take him out when he'll be needing to eat he SCREAMS when he wakes up because he's hungry and it would be a huge hassle to feed, burp, and change him because the process takes almost an hour.

Week 3-4: It seems like suddenly Ryan was spitting up A LOT. And often. Like every single time we burped him. The doctor recommended we try conservative measures like letting him sit upright for 30 minutes after eating and burping more often. These didn't seem to help much and Ryan would get super fussy toward the end of the feeding. I finally got the Fisher Price Rock and Play. At first it didn't seem to be anything special, but now that we've used it awhile Ryan does seem to be much calmer sitting in it than anything else. For some reason he won't stay in his regular bouncer very long but the Rock and Play seems to be perfectly fine for him. Mostly it's a huge help for the 30 minutes he has to sit upright after eating. Using the Rock and Play seems to have helped his reflux a little, too. So i give it a thumbs up! This week we noticed he seems more content and rarely fusses on the changing table. Prior to this he would scream and kick his legs every time. He's much more alert and attentive now and seems to be paying attention to what we're doing.

Week 4-5: At one month old it seems like things are changing fast. It's like it's a magical time or something. Ryan smiled *at* us for the very first time! He rarely, if ever, cries on the changing table. In fact it's one of his favorite places to be (except for the cold wipes). After we change him we'll leave him on the table and tickle and talk to him and he just grins away. He makes little noises at us and turns to look at us when we talk to him. He maintains eye contact a lot longer. And best of all? Suddenly the past 5 nights he's decided to take a break of about 6 hours between feedings, sleeping 4 of those! With the onset of all this social awareness he does seem to be crankier when he's awake. I'm still trying to decipher if it could be formula related or because of all this new interaction like the books suggest. He's getting better at tummy time, but still doesn't last terribly long. But he can hold his head up and look side to side for a couple minutes at a time! Now i just have to borrow the Kickin' Coaster from Ally to work on his legs...he's starting to kick them really hard!

And finally...a picture of Ryan in his cute little Halloween outfit from Grandmom Marsha. It reads "So cute..It's spooky"

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

1 Month Old!

Ryan is 1 month old today! I can't believe he's already a month old, but on the other hand it seems like he's been around forever. I also can't believe i was just going into labor this time last month. It seems like it's been ages.

We've been dealing with Ryan spitting up a lot this past week. Last night i went out and bought the Fisher Price Rock and Play that got all kinds of great reviews. It's supposed to be the best thing since sliced bread. It really looks like a glorified bouncer, but it's basically an inclined seat that's deep enough that he can sleep in it and you can rock it back and forth (by hand, it isn't motorized). It's only been one day but so far i don't see anything magical about it like all the reviewers say. We're supposed to try to keep him upright for 30 minutes after he eats so he won't spit up so much, so that's what i've been using it for. So far when he falls asleep in the rocker i can move him to the bassinet without waking him up and since i'm paranoid about movement and flat-head that's usually what i do. He seems to enjoy the Rock and Play though, so i'll save my review for when it's had more use. My most-used baby item thus far is definitely the Arm's Reach Mini Co-Sleeper. It's like a pack 'n play but smaller, can be placed beside or actually attach to the bed, and is small enough to fit through doorways and hallways so you can just wheel baby around wherever you go. This is what Ryan sleeps in and we just have him with us in whatever room we're in. It's very handy!

We've been using Similac Advance formula per the pediatrician's recommendation, but Similac sent us a sample of the Similac Sensitive that we're going to give a try next and see if it makes any difference with the reflux. He's still eating every 2-4 hours at this point, but last night for the first time he went about 6 hours between feedings. He ate at 10pm, then we bathed and changed him and it took awhile to get him to sleep. I would say he probably went to sleep about 12:30am and then didn't wake up to eat until 4:30am. I'm wondering if it's just a fluke or if he's actually starting to get used to sleeping at night? Until now he's been awake and alert from 11pm-2am most nights. Unfortunately i was awake most of this time too. I'm really trying to get to bed earlier and i've used Benadryl the past two nights to make me sleepy but i'm still staying up until 2am. Jake has been staying up until 7-8am and then we switch and i take the baby and Jake sleeps half the day. We really need to get a better schedule going before i have to go back to work. I guess all i can do is keep on trying! According to Wii Fit he's well over 10 pounds now.

Anyway, here are a couple of pictures i took on my phone. One of them is the closest i've come to getting a picture of him smiling. The other is Ryan practicing his Halloween face. Doesn't he look scared??

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Bedtime Stories

Bedtime stories are fun! This is the first time he actually looked at the book and seemed to be following the pictures as i turned the pages. Plus it's some of the few pictures i've gotten with his eyes open. Also pictures with Daddy!

Monday, October 11, 2010

PPD: I Has It

"When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. You can use vitamins to help a woman through those things."  --Tom Cruise

Sometimes i just want to slap somebody. Today that somebody is Tom Cruise. I'm sure vitamins will work fine for some people, but they wouldn't have touched what i experienced. I should have known it would happen to me because of my past problems with panic attacks. Really, the amazing part is that i made it all the way through pregnancy without having any issues. I'm much, much, much better now but that first 2 weeks i was in a really bad place. I'm sorry to everyone who tried to call and i didn't answer or respond. I was severely sleep deprived and that made everything a hundred times worse, so i was literally attempting (and failing) to sleep all day every day. It was really scary for me, but i'm so happy to say that i have such awesome family and friends that helped me through it and still checked on me even when i didn't call them back. And the BEST husband that is truly an awesome father and has been so great with little Ryan. Thank you to everyone who brought me food, too. I seriously probably just wouldn't have eaten anything if we didn't have food in the house. Not to sound like a public service announcement, but Postpartum Depression is much more real and scary than i imagined. I'm glad i recognized it and got help and i just hope that others don't listen to stupid celebrities like Tom Cruise. Here is something i made when things were still pretty bad just to give you an idea of what it was like:

Could I be suffering from postpartum depression?

If your mood doesn't lift after two weeks, you may have postpartum depression (PPD). Up to 20 percent of new mothers experience clinical depression, which can surface any time within the first postpartum year.

Symptoms of PPD include:
• insomnia yes, and i dread night time. it really really annoys me because i always loved the fact that i could lay down and be asleep within 5 minutes, no problem. I have a whole new outlook on all those ambien prescriptions now....i never knew it could be like this

• weepiness or sadness not really, i feel more numb, i kinda wish i could cry, i think it might make me feel better

• diminished interest in once pleasurable activities yep, i don't enjoy my tivo or my iphone (and that's extremely major)

• difficulty concentrating yep, i constantly walk into a room and it takes 2-3 minutes to remember why i was going there

• change in appetite not eating, and absolutely nothing sounds appetizing, so i just force myself to eat because i know i need to (but at least my baby weight is coming off! I've lost ~23...Only 14 more to go) I used to enjoy food a LOT so this is new for me.

• anxiety yep

• moodiness and irritability uhh..i dunno, not that i've noticed?

• withdrawal from family and friends yep, i guess you've noticed i don't ever answer my phone and have no interest in talking to my friends (although that's getting better)

• excessive guilt yep, especially about breastfeeding

• panic attacks (symptoms include a racing heart, dizziness, confusion, and feelings of impending doom) most definitely, although it's getting a lot better i think

• suicidal, scary, or constant negative thoughts ummm....scary thoughts. Like: OMG, how am i going to be able to return to work like this? Will i end up in a mental hospital if i can't ever sleep? How can i care for my baby if i continue to be so exhausted? How can i do *anything* normal feeling like this? (This was written when i was a week into not sleeping. Severe sleep deprivation is an evil evil thing)

Your healthcare provider can best determine whether you have PPD, but you may spot some clues yourself. Experts say that if you can't sleep when your baby sleeps, no matter how hard you try or how tired you are, you may have PPD. This was definitely me, and sleep is still my main issue.

It's important to know the difference between normal postpartum emotional changes and ones that signal a need for further support. It's not just what you're feeling that indicates something may be amiss, but the frequency, intensity, and duration of those feelings. In other words, many new mothers feel sad and anxious periodically during the first few months after childbirth. But if you're crying all day for several days in a row or are having panic attacks, contact your doctor or midwife.

PPD can strike any woman, either immediately after the birth of her baby or many months later. Unfortunately, the medical community has a long history of misunderstanding and misdiagnosing PPD. Sometimes healthcare providers don't take a new mother's concerns seriously, brushing them off as hormonal shifts and part of adjusting to motherhood.

Our society also makes it difficult to admit to having negative feelings about motherhood or your baby. When mothers express feelings such as ambivalence, fear, or rage, they can frighten themselves and those close to them.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

3 Weeks: Lots of Drama!

This week has been a very rough but rewarding one. On Monday Ryan had his 2 week checkup. Everything looked really good, he was right on target with weight (8lb 9.5oz) and height (20.5in) even though the nurse didn't stretch his leg enough to get an accurate measurement. Throughout the week, however, visitors kept commenting on how rapid his breathing was. I had noticed this since birth, but lately it seemed to be extremely noticeable. As one person noted "It sounds like he just ran a marathon!" So after counting his respirations multiple times throughout a couple of days and finding that they were well over 60 per minute (average is 40) i called the pediatrician to ask if it needed to be checked out. The nurse that i talked to got me an appointment right away, and Mom went with me to get little Peanut checked out. It was the beginning of a scary roller-coaster ride.

We saw the nurse practitioner and i was very pleased with her. It's the first time we've seen her and she was very, very thorough. First she just observed his breathing while he was still sleeping in his carseat. She got him out and checked his color, felt his pulses, made sure he wasn't in any distress while trying to breathe, and otherwise looked him over. She called in another nurse and they checked his pulse and oxygen. His oxygen level was 100%--perfect, but his pulse was 180. A normal newborn heart rate is 120-160. His respiratory rate was around 75 (normal is <60). She listened to his heart and lungs and said they sounded great, she heard nothing abnormal. After gathering all the information she brought in the doctor to get a quick second opinion. Ryan was pretty upset by this point as he had been messed with and undressed for awhile, so we made him a bottle. The doctor was pleased with how well he was eating, he was gaining weight like he should, everything looked and sounded good...just the numbers (breathing and heart rate) were too high! They decided to send us to a cardiologist to make sure nothing was wrong, and they got us an appointment first thing the next morning.

Friday morning we got up bright and early and made it to the cardiologist's office on time. (That's a first for me!) The nurses undressed him (he really, really does not like that) and hooked him up to a bunch of things. They did an EKG to monitor his heart, counted his respiratory rate, and checked his heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen. This time his heart rate was fine...when he finally calmed down! It was in the 180s when he was agitated, but they said that's perfectly normal. The EKG, blood pressure, and oxygen level were all normal. But still his breathing was too fast. The doctor came in and looked over all the info and did an exam. Again he basically repeated what the pediatrician said: Everything looks and sounds great, he's just breathing too fast. He decided to do an echocardiogram (ultrasound of the heart) to double-check. The echo was a looooong process but Ryan did amazingly well considering. He had to lay there cold and naked for 45 minutes while the tech smeared goo all over his chest and poked and prodded. We kept him as calm as we could, but he was understandably not a happy baby. I hated watching it and paced the room most of the time. After the doctor reviewed it he said that he saw no abnormal findings. Ryan does, however, have PPS, which is a narrowing of the vein that goes from the heart to the lungs. This is apparently a fairly "normal" finding in newborns and generally corrects itself as he grows. He also has the little hole in the heart that all babies are born with and it usually closes on it's own as he grows. So the cardiologist gave us the all-clear.

The pediatrician called us right before lunch to check on Ryan and see how everything went at the cardiologist. After hearing about our visit she decided to get a chest x-ray and bloodwork right away since it was Friday afternoon and she wanted the results back before the weekend. So...we then had to go to Pediatric Urgent Care to get everything done. For the bloodwork they pricked his heel and then squeezed drop by drop of blood out of his foot. It took FOREVER. I had to try to keep him calm the whole time and he did pretty good. They sent us to the waiting room until the x-ray people were ready for us. But a minute later they came back in and said they had to RE-DO the entire thing and get blood from a vein. I was pretty upset by this, and i cried when they stuck him with the needle. It was the first time i've cried in front of strangers in a long time. Ryan, of course, was crying too. It didn't take too long and we got him calmed down just in time for the x-ray people to call us.

The x-ray was the absolute worst experience ever. Because they needed a chest x-ray they had him lay on his back (cold and naked, of course) and Jake had to hold his arms tightly above his head and i had to hold his legs still. Ryan was soooo upset and screaming and had huge, giant little tears in his eyes. It was absolutely awful. Having to hold him down like that and him not understanding why just killed me. The x-ray tech was very sympathetic and tried to be as fast as possible but it still wasn't nearly fast enough. She'd get one shot and i'd pick him up and cry with him and cuddle him and he'd calm down...and then we'd have to do the whole process over again. She took 3 x-rays and then i finally cuddled my baby and promised him we were done and we'd go home. He calmed down quickly and we left. He slept the whole way home.

After all the stuff we put him through we found out...that he's perfectly healthy. His heart, lungs, kidneys, blood and everything else came back absolutely normal. We still have no idea why he's breathing so fast, but the pediatrician thinks he'll just eventually grow out of it as he gradually gets to "normal". I was really upset that i put him through all that for nothing, however now that it's over i'm glad we got him checked out. I was worried and i would have continued to be worried had i not questioned it. And if something *had* been wrong and i didn't get it checked out i never would have forgiven myself.

So after a really long week we are happy to say we have a healthy little baby! As of Friday at the cardiologist he weighs 8lb 15oz and is 22 inches long.