5 Weeks

Stealing another great idea from Jenny! A weekly pregnancy questionnaire:

How far along? 5 weeks 2 days
Pregnancy Symptoms: sore boobs, cramps, bone-crushing exhaustion, stuffy nose
Sleep: I'm tired all the time and all i want to do is sleep, but when i finally go to bed for the night i wake up several times throughout the night before finally giving up after 5-6 hours
Best moment this week: finding out my hCG is still rising like normal
Movement: cramps and pains that freak me out
Food cravings: cheese danish! I sent jake to 3 different krogers in search of them one day...they are so freaking yummy
Gender: it feels like a girl this week
What I miss: not worrying about things that never crossed my mind before, like Diet Coke.
What I am looking forward to: my ultrasound next Thursday
My best kept secret this week: is definitely not my pregnancy. Too many people know!

I feel like i should be exuberant and excited and bouncy now that i'm finally pregnant. Instead i feel exhausted and terrified and depressed. And i feel *guilty* for feeling that way. I wish i could be naive and not worry, but it's been a long road so far. I've had it much easier than many, mind you. It only took 10 months and two rounds of Clomid, it could have been a lot worse, but i *was* naive about the ease of getting pregnant. I never in my wildest dreams imagined such a long journey and it's made me very.....cynical i guess. I don't want to let myself get excited or hopeful yet. It's still very early and too much can happen. I tried to join a babyboard to see what was going on with other girls due in September and try to get more excited but instead it's freaking me out too much with all the "I'm spotting!" posts (and worse) so i've mostly stopped visiting. I find myself "talking me down" if i start getting too excited. How crazy is that?? It's just that i know if i told a bunch of people (work, facebook, etc) and talked about it openly and then something happened.....i'd be absolutely crushed. It's easier to just go about business as usual and pretend nothing has changed. (And GB you have no idea how awful i feel when i think how i kept asking when you'd get pregnant last Christmas. You should have slapped me!) Hmm....maybe i should add hormones to my symptoms list.....